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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26565631">Dear</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant'>gravityplant</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Like tidal waves [au] [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Family Fluff, Family Issues, Fluff, M/M, Mention of Past Minor Character Death, Parents, discussions about mental illness, mentions of food</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:13:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,984</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26565631</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan’s difficult childhood meant he’d never dared to dream of building a family of his own one day. He’d thrown himself into his work and tried to push down his unhappiness. When Phil and his son Charlie fell into Dan’s life, he’d started to think they might just have a chance of building a future together. But when Charlie’s old traumas start coming to the surface, will Phil have to choose between supporting his son, and being with the man he loves?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Like tidal waves [au] [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1932466</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A/N: This is a sequel to ‘Like Tidal Waves’, where Phil is struggling to overcome his grief both over his partner’s death, and also the impact that his death had on their son. He meets Dan on holiday, who helps them both move on from their loss.</p><p>beta: heartsopenminds (on Tumblr)<br/>artist: hiwatari-art (Tumblr</p><p>Link to the art: https://hiwatari-art.tumblr.com/post/629802360232968192/dear-digital-medibang-20200916-this-is-my</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sun is filtering through the window onto the table making the plastic surface warm to the touch. Phil is standing in the queue about to order lunch for the three of them. This place is always busy, bursting to the seams with life and chatter. That's not why it's their favourite place... really it's the good-quality, greasy food for a cheap price, the mediocre background soundtrack reminiscent of the '80s and the odd feeling of home that brings them back time and time again. </p><p>They found it when they were out one day with a hungry Charlie who was having the worst temper tantrum and on top of it all, it was pouring with rain. So they'd promised him some fast food and he'd agreed to follow along peacefully. And ever since then Charlie's loved it, that's why they almost always go here when they have time, especially as it's a good place to take Charlie when he and Phil aren't having some alone time at someplace fancier. They have a dinner date booked for later that week, and that restaurant definitely won’t be serving burgers.</p><p>The people that come here range from uni students who want a burger on their budget to families with children who are screaming and shouting in delight one second and the next are crying over dropped chips on the floor.</p><p>Dan looks over at Charlie who's sitting across the table restlessly waiting, his palms on the warm surface and sitting on his folded legs. Dan leans his chin against his fist and smiles towards Charlie. </p><p>"Are you hungry?" he asks. </p><p>Charlie nods rapidly, his eyes darting to where Phil is standing, now ordering. He shifts his head back towards Dan and gives him a mischievous grin. "I could eat a horse!"</p><p>"All by yourself?" Dan says, putting on a surprised face. Charlie's brown curls bounce as he plops down on the seat. He scrutinises Dan for a moment with a sceptical look on his face before looking proud.</p><p>"Yes! Daddy says I'm growing fast so that's probably why". The little boy looks pleased with himself.</p><p>"So has your dad actually seen you eat a whole horse?" Dan grins with an amused twinkle in his eyes, chuckling under his breath.</p><p>"Yep," Charlie says in a distracted voice, his concentration now elsewhere. Dan finds out where a second later when Phil arrives, having clearly overheard their conversation when he puts down their trays and declares "I'm positively sure I haven't, Charlie!" Although he's denying his son's claims, Phil's voice is both fond and teasing.</p><p>"Yes, but you do have a terrible memory, dad," Charlie says smirking, before reaching for a fry.</p><p>"Oi!" Phil mutters, but Dan can make out the little smile that flashes across his face when he starts to pass round the food. Phil is for sure handling Charlie's smart-talking a little better than he used to, and Dan feels relieved. Charlie does mean well, but he can still push the boundaries at times.</p><p>"Why don't we dig in?" Dan suggests, making eye contact with Phil and giving him a wink. Phil's cheeks look a little flushed in response. And Dan takes pride in knowing he can still affect Phil so smoothly. </p><p>"I'm already on it," Charlie says as he holds up his burger in a firm grip. "Watch out, I might have to eat yours too," he jokes, a pleased expression on his freckled face.</p><p>"Oh no, the hungry Charlie monster is going to eat our food Phil, we need to hurry before it's too late!" Dan yells, in pretend horror. </p><p>Phil looks around before shushing the two of them, looking a tad embarrassed. Dan quirks an eyebrow, and Phil seems to give in then because he too holds up his hamburger, exclaiming, (albeit in a quieter voice) "Char, I love you but you'll never get away with stealing my burger, mwhahaha!"</p><p>"I think Daddy's the real monster," Charlie whispers Dan's way.</p><p>"Naw, he's just hangry" Dan smiles softly meeting Phil's eyes again "Right babe?"</p><p>Phil breaks out of character then, taking a huge bite whilst saying "Definitely hungry, omg since when was this," he points at his burger "this good?"</p><p>"Oh, it's been a while since the three of us have eaten out together. The last time it was that pizza place, remember?" Dan reminds him before taking a bite out of his own meal.</p><p>"Yeah but nothing beats this, this was definitely worth it" Phil praises.</p><p>"When I grow up, I will only ever eat here!" Charlie decides and both Phil and Dan look his way before grinning knowingly at each other.</p><p>"I'm sure you will bud," says Dan fondly.</p><p>"Oh, right I forgot to say," Phil starts, wiping the ketchup from the corner of his mouth, " I’ve been able to book the moving van for next Sunday."</p><p>Dan nods, furrowing his brow. "Wow, that’s sooner than we’d hoped," he says, watching Phil as he pushes up his glasses discreetly.</p><p>"Yeah," Phil meets Dan's eyes. His gaze is soft behind his glasses, his eyes calm and tranquil like the ocean at bay. Looking into them is like getting lost in the ocean and being completely fine with it.</p><p>"Dad," Charlie's voice brings Dan out of his thoughts. He looks over at the little kid who has prior to this been stuffing his face full of food.</p><p>"Yeah?" Phil answers.</p><p>"Is Dan going to be staying over permanently then?" Dan hides a huge grin behind the burger as Charlie says that. Is it weird that he's delighted hearing the excitement in Charlie's voice? It feels a bit like he's being accepted into their family of two.</p><p>"Yep," Phil says easily.</p><p>"Does that mean we can watch Jurassic Park every night?" Charlie asks eagerly, his eyes shifting from Phil's to Dan with a pleading look, as if Dan is going to be his ticket to watching the movie twenty-four seven. Which is not going to be the case, if Dan has a say.</p><p>"Charlie, we've already watched it five times" Phil reminds him, looking a little tired for a second. Dan realises he’s probably had to endure the film many times over already. He vaguely remembered Phil saying it was one of his favourites, but he supposes even favourites can be exhausted.</p><p>"But it's the best movie ever made" Charlie's eyes widen with sincerity.</p><p>"Hmm, that might be a slight over-exaggeration," Dan remarks, dipping a toe into their conversation.</p><p>"We can still watch other films sometimes though" Phil argues.</p><p>"But I want to see Jurassic Park!” Charlie says, his voice raising. Phil's eyes dart to Dan's, he looks worried. Dan thinks he's sensing a temper tantrum.</p><p>"You need to broaden your horizons kid," Dan smiles, reaching for one of Charlie's fries. Charlie narrows his eyes and gives Dan a sour pout.</p><p>"No" Charlie shakes his head sharply. Apparently joking it away was a bad tactic, Dan realises. It entirely depends on what mood Charlie's in. But it appears he's short-tempered today. </p><p>Phil comes to his rescue. "Dan's right, there are millions of movies out there just waiting to be watched".</p><p>"Millions?" Charlie sounds sceptic. He looks over at Dan with an expression of deep thought "That's a lot... I think".</p><p>"Yeah" Dan smiles. Then it dawns on him. He's really going to be living with them. It feels a little surreal. Although he's been there a lot it's a whole other thing to be living there permanently.</p><p>"I can't believe I’ll start moving into yours so soon," he says out loud before he can stop himself.</p><p>"It's crazy, right?" Phil agrees.</p><p>"Totally," Dan replies "And also a lot of work," he sighs, slumping back in his seat at the thought. If there's something Dan would like to avoid it's the "having to actually work to get somewhere" part.</p><p>"I'm sure we'll be done with it pretty quickly if we’re working together," Phil says grabbing his hand from across the table. Dan smiles back at him. Right. They'll do this together ...like a family?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dan is about to step into the taxi. The summer night is crisp and the stars are barely visible between tall buildings. They’ve just left the softly lit restaurant, where Phil treated Dan to a rather expensive meal to celebrate this new stage in their relationship.</p><p>"Wait," Phil prompts and Dan turns to face him. Phil's cheeks are dusted red from the cold night air. And there's just something about him that breathes of warmth. </p><p>His jet black hair is muddled up. He stands a bit hunched, arms crossed over his chest, hugging himself tightly. He's got that concerned expression he only has when he's thinking too much. Dan's curious as to what is going on inside of his head. Phil has a tendency to overwork his anxious brain.</p><p>Phil leans over to press his lips briefly to Dan's cheek. It’s short and sweet, but it still burns hot when Phil steps back. Dan looks up at him, relaxing his shoulders and slumping back a bit. </p><p>The corner of Phil's mouth pulls just a smidge. Dan can't help but feel a sting of affection. For a moment the world is theirs and theirs only. Phil radiates safety just as a comfort blanket would. Dan's not sure he wants the night to end just yet.</p><p>They're interrupted by the driver who coughs not so discreetly. Phil looks down, burying his icy hands in his denim jacket.</p><p>"Right," he starts, looking flustered. Dan nods, and gets into the taxi.</p><p>"I should get going, it was nice eating out with you" Phil rambles, shifting his eyes to meet Dan's "I love you". Sometimes Phil gets this mushy when he’s had a drink but Dan doesn't mind. He finds it adorable that even this far into their relationship, Phil still sometimes gets a little awkward, seeking reassurance.</p><p>Dan shakes his head, laughing under his breath.</p><p>"You know I did."</p><p>Phil nods, hands in his pocket in that weird way that only Phil does and Dan's heart beats loudly. He knows it's stupid. Only a few months ago he probably would've snorted at the person he's become. </p><p>"Good night Phil," he grins fondly as he closes the door.</p><p>Phil waves through the car window. And when the car starts moving he becomes a part of the jumble of colours the night has to offer as it whizzes by his view.</p><p>He leans back and closes his eyes, feeling the car traveling over the roads. The sound of the London traffic is loud and obnoxious but he's learned to grow accustomed to it. Sometimes he even likes it, when his thoughts keep him up at night and the only noise he has to fill his busy mind with is the regular rhythm of car horns.</p><p>He thinks back over his evening with Phil. Spending time with him makes Dan think that perhaps the two of them meeting was fate, not that he believes in that sort of stuff of course.</p><p>Phil had asked his brother to look after Charlie for him so they could have the night to themselves. Dan can't describe how proud he is of Phil for being able to let go of him for an evening to make some time for himself, live his own life a little and clear his head for a moment. And maybe Charlie needs to be away from his father sometimes too, Dan thinks. </p><p>Trusting other people with Charlie is something Phil has been working a lot on, and Dan has been there for Phil over the past few months while he’s been dealing with his fears in therapy. There have been ups and downs but Phil has discovered so much about himself, how to better handle the loss he's experienced and the grief that's still clinging on to him so tightly.</p><p>Phil has had to fight the desire to go back to the old behaviours that feel safe, but he's found comfort in Dan and Dan would be lying if he said he hasn't found comfort in return. Some nights they lay on their backs and look up at Phil’s ceiling, covered with the glow-in-the-dark stars that Dan had strung up one day after work before Phil had come home. Not that he lives with Phil... it’s just that anywhere Phil is, Dan considers home. </p><p>Phil had told Dan one night when he was staying over that it'd be nice to see the stars, He confessed that sometimes he’d wake up in the night in a cold sweat when Dan was asleep or wasn’t there and he’d wish he had something to focus on other than the darkness of his bedroom. Something to stop the difficult thoughts from going round in his head. </p><p>Dan remembers a few days after that when Phil had come into the bedroom with a tote bag still over his shoulder and  jumped in fright when he saw Dan sitting on his bed.</p><p>"Frick! You scared me" he’d admonished Dan. </p><p>"Come here," Dan had simply said, grinning widely at his boyfriend. The corner of Phil's mouth pulled up and he sat down beside Dan. </p><p>"So what could you possibly be doing here?" he enquired curiously. </p><p>"Lay down and you'll see," Dan smirked at him. Phil must have thought he looked mischievous because he stared at him for a moment before replying.</p><p>"Hmm. Howell, this better not be what I think it is," Phil said, raising his eyebrows.</p><p>"You'll see."</p><p>Phil eyed him suspiciously before sighing and laying down.</p><p>"What is it - oh!" He’d gone quiet, just gazing up. Instead of uttering a word, he fumbled for Dan's hand and grabbed it. They stayed silent for some time before Phil finally broke the silence.</p><p>"You didn't have to do this for me," he’d mumbled. </p><p>Dan had laid down beside Phil then, and turned his gaze upwards. </p><p>"I love you" he’d whispered and Phil squeezed his hand. They got to have a moment of silence before Phil suddenly realised something, his eyes opening wide.</p><p>"Wait, what time is it? I’m going to be late picking Charlie up from school!" He sits up forcefully, but Dan grabs his shoulders "Phil, he's at football practice, no need to panic". Phil was worried of course but he seemed to calm down quite quickly. </p><p>Before they met, Phil had been dating Alex, who died at the steering wheel after losing control of the car. Charlie happened to be with him that day, but survived. It's not a surprise that left some trauma behind for both of them. Phil has had attachment issues and Charlie anger episodes. Sometimes he appears younger than he is, stuck in fantasy worlds. </p><p>Dan feels for both of them. It's really ironic how he, a child psychiatrist, ended up with the two of them. But they are the most wonderful people in his world. No matter what they always seem to put stars into his lonely nights, spreading them over his skies.</p><p>Dan makes himself more comfortable in the cab, sinking down in the seat. He glances at the rear-view mirror, the driver looks focused, eyes on the road. He leans his head back and closes his eyes.</p><p>Dan's been getting to know Charlie a lot more since they first met. He loves to chat away to Dan but only when he feels safe. Phil had said that before the accident which had taken his father from him, Charlie had loved to talk, regardless of where he was or with whom. He’d had a much more open personality back then.</p><p>Sometimes Charlie tells Dan stories about things that happen when he’s at school, about when he’s having a hard time and can’t say what he wants to say. He gets upset with himself and angry when he can't formulate his words and sometimes he takes it out on other people. </p><p>And they're working on that, both at home and with a psychiatrist. Dan has seen him get angry a few times and it takes a while for him to calm down. </p><p>It always saddens Dan to think about how Charlie feels so stressed when he can't express himself and how he conceals what he’s feeling until he explodes with rage. It gets Dan thinking of a wild animal pressed into a corner with no means of escape so it feels the need to attack. Dan hasn't wanted to think of it that way because it seems wrong to compare Charlie's response to that image but he can't help it from popping up in his mind like a film on loop. </p><p>Not discrediting Charlie's behavioral improvement he prefers to focus on the more rose-tinted moments of theirs. </p><p>He thought back to a night when they'd let Charlie stay up far later than he should have because he'd insisted that Dan and Phil watch Jurassic World with him. Notwithstanding the late hour, he’d still asked Dan to read him a good night story. Dan had tried to argue with him but the boy had melted through all his defences with his charm and his cheeky smile. </p><p>So as Charlie fetched a book, Dan had sat by the bedside feeling his heart ache with fondness. He couldn't explain it, it was a type of love he'd never felt before, almost as if Charlie were his own child.</p><p>He smiles softly at the memory and how fond he’s become of Charlie in just a few short months.</p><p>Sometimes he even lets himself daydream about what it would be like to be Charlie's other father, but he'd never dare say it out loud, at least not for now. He's not sure how Phil might take it, never mind Charlie and he'd hate them to think he'd be trying to replace Alex.</p><p>They've been talking about moving in together. Charlie seems to like the idea and Phil had said that his nights were lonely without Dan. Dan had raised an eyebrow at this,  wondering if he was being suggestive and Phil had blushed saying that he wasn’t.</p><p>Although it will be nice, that part isn't necessarily what he's most looking forward to. No, he can't wait to experience those slow mornings, pouring coffee into cups, chasing Charlie around the apartment, just navigating a life together with Phil. The everyday buzz of the traffic outside the window. Phil's fogged up glasses in the morning as he drinks his coffee. The warmth of his hand on Dan's back. Charlie spreading butter on his toast. Just the bliss of his everyday life turning into theirs.</p><p>Oh god, he's definitely tipsy, he thinks. He's not this sentimental normally, or so he likes to think. He likes to think he's cool and unflappable but as it turns out, after a few drinks he's just a mushy potato of feels. So much for sophistication.</p><p>He looks out of the car window. The bright lights blind him and he immediately regrets his decision to do so. </p><p>He's seeing both of them tomorrow. Is it weird that he already misses Phil? And it feels like he hasn't seen Charlie in forever despite it being only two days. Maybe he's growing too attached...</p><p>The two of them have taken up such a big part of his headspace that he barely even thinks about his own family. Maybe he's distancing himself from them too much, but it’s so much nicer spending time with Phil and Charlie. </p><p>His brother is in Europe at the moment as part of a trip around the world whilst also completing his studies. And of course, that makes his parents so proud. They always are... of his brother. </p><p>Dan shakes his head. His dad had called him last week to ask him whether he was planning on following suit. As if Dan doesn't have his own life, as if he can just drop everything in order to please them. To be half of what his brother is. It doesn't matter what he does. Even when he earned a child psychiatry degree, made a name for himself in the field, it would never be enough in their eyes. And it breaks his heart to know. He's working on finding acceptance of that as he's quite sure they aren't going to change their ways.</p><p>That's why it was so lovely to spend time with Phil tonight, to get away from all thoughts of his own family. To let the chill air of the city fill his lungs with calm. To let the sight of Phil's rosy lips around the rim of his wineglass warm his heart like a delightful laugh ringing in his ear. Phil had looked so pretty and their conversations were so far away from all their worries that it felt refreshing. And the food was to die for, as Dan had hoped it would be. He'd been the one to pick the restaurant while Phil was looking over his shoulder curiously. They usually go out with Charlie someplace cheap so this night is a little special for them. </p><p>When the driver slows down Dan finally cracks open his eyes, feeling his head starting to pound a little. He gets out and watches as the car disappears into the night, becoming one with the bright neon of the city.</p><p>He shivers a little and looks up at his apartment. The tall suburban looking building welcomes him with a sigh as he pulls open the heavy door. He touches his hand to his cheek as he stumbles up the staircase. Yep, he still feels that buzzing under his skin from Phil's lips. Jesus, you'd think this was their first date when it's really not at all. Maybe he's still in that honeymoon state of mind, he's not sure. All he knows is that he's grown rather attached to Phil and his little sidekick. </p><p>He scrapes the key clumsily into the lock but somehow manages to get the door open. When he's in he breathes out a sigh of relief. The introvert in him is thanking him right now. As much as he likes being out and spending time with Phil he also values his time alone. And the quietness of the night is his favourite time. It can be a kind of love-hate relationship, but he likes that everything is washed in deep blue tones. Only in the summertime, of course, the winter turns that underwater feel into a pitch-black hellscape. He's not fond of too much darkness, but a little aesthetic moody gloom fits him just fine.</p><p>As he brushes his teeth his gaze drifts to the polaroids stuck to the mirror. There are a few of Phil and him but also some of the three of them. His eyes gravitate towards one where they're sitting on the beach building a giant sandcastle that Charlie later annihilated with a few big stomps of his feet. </p><p>His eyes drift to his own reflection and he meets his own gaze. He brushes back a stray curl that always gets in the way. He remembers Phil calling them pig’s tails and he grins to himself, still feeling slightly offended. Phil has a tendency to say the most bizarre things, he's unlike anyone Dan's met. Spending time with Phil is like taking a peek inside his wondrous brain, he's always got an interesting idea to share. Damn it, he's getting mushy again.</p><p>He spits out the toothpaste and turns on the tap. Tomorrow will be a good day, they'll finally start moving in together. Happy thoughts whirl around in his head as he makes his way to bed and slips under the duvet, closing his eyes.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Phil's standing in front of the coffee machine, lost in his own thoughts. He feels Charlie tug at his sleeve.</p><p>"Daddy?" His voice sounds a little distant, as if he's speaking to Phil but his mind is somewhere else. Phil's entire body stiffens. The tone of Charlie's voice is reminiscent of something bad. A time where Phil was certain his very being was sure to tear in two from the pressure he was under.</p><p>"Um, yeah?" he replies nervously, turning towards his son. It’s been quite a while since Charlie has sounded that far away. Phil had almost stopped worrying that Charlie might relapse, that he'd once again start to lose contact with him. He's been doing better and improving. He's a lot calmer than he was before and more talkative. It almost feels like he's gotten Charlie back. So that's why he's so terrified that Charlie will revert. </p><p>Phil's mouth is dry, his back so tense that it's starting to hurt. He tries to calm down, rolling his shoulders slowly. As Phil tries to handle his sudden panic Charlie continues to talk.</p><p>"Is it normal that the kids at school point at me and call me weird?" he says. His voice sounds a little peculiar, detached and rather empty. Phil's scared to admit that it terrifies him, because Charlie used to be so lost in himself. For a moment, Phil’s brought back to that time when his reality was black and white and every day was just survival. It could hardly’ve been called living.</p><p>"Wait, who does that?" he asks, trying to keep his voice steady. He has a pain in his chest just thinking about someone treating his son badly. </p><p>Charlie looks unsure. "Some of the kids in my class," he mumbles, trying to play it off as if it’s nothing. It makes Phil angry, angry at the kids for making Charlie feel like his emotions aren't significant, but most of all Phil’s angry at himself. It all leads back to him, doesn't it?</p><p>"They - they say that I can't play with them and that I'm stupid..." Charlie suddenly looks upset, his eyes shiny. "But I'm just trying to be friends with them!” he exclaims, sounding desperate to get his point across, to be understood.</p><p>"Charlie, Charlie, it’s OK. I'll have a word with their parents," Phil reassures. He'll have to handle this calmly with Charlie even if he's freaking out inside. His heart is beating loudly in his ears.</p><p>"No, don't!" Charlie begs.</p><p>"But maybe they'll stop. It's worth a try," Phil says, his forehead wrinkled.</p><p>"They think I'm weird... because of you dad," Charlie says quietly. Phil had been concerned that this would happen. He hasn't said anything to Dan about it. The thought that his relationship and who he loves makes trouble for Charlie kills him. Just because their family looks a little different doesn't make it okay for anyone to bully his son. He knows he shouldn't but he feels guilty for doing this to Charlie. The feelings take up his head, like a monster clawing its way up out from the deepest, darkest part of his brain. The way his own mind finds a most wicked way to torment him.</p><p>"Dad, why can't you just be normal?" Charlie says. Phil doesn't know what to say. He's just deeply upset. He couldn’t change who he was, but maybe... maybe Charlie would be better off if Phil was single? </p><p>"Charlie we've talked about how weird is good" Phil argues, his voice going empty and firm. He's not sure he recognises it. He bites his bottom lip trying to keep it from trembling.</p><p>"Weird is not good" Charlie shouts then, taking a few steps away from Phil. He looks cross and fretful. There are tears in his eyes and his hands are formed into fists.</p><p>"Charlie!" Phil yells. That’s the breaking point for Phil. It seems like the many talks they've had about how being different is something to take pride in have been erased from Charlie's memory, and a deep sorrow threatens to drown him within. A lot of those talks they had together with Alex, Charlie's father. For a while Phil's been able to remember only the good times with Alex. But he's feeling all the self hate well up to the surface. He should talk to somebody. But he just doesn't want to. It feels like he ruins everything in not just his own life but everyone else's.</p><p>"I hate you, dad, it's all your fault!" Charlie roars his face red. Phil just doesn't know what to say. Charlie stares at him for a second before he runs off.</p><p>"Charlie..." Phil whispers.</p><p>-</p><p>Dan’s just about to make himself some tea and toast for breakfast when he sees a message flash up on his phone.</p><p>Sent: 9:52am<br/>To: Dan<br/>Can you come over? I need to see you</p><p>At first, Dan is taken aback, scared that something has happened to either Phil or Charlie. Maybe Charlie broke a bone at practice? Or perhaps Phil has fallen sick? He feels like a worried mum as he rushes around his house to find his keys and pull on some shoes. </p><p>The moving van is supposed to be turning up at four this afternoon so everything is boxed up. He’s lost track of how many times he's almost knocked off some stacked boxes before saving them at the last minute.</p><p>It takes him maybe half an hour to get ready, then he takes the bus. He likes to watch out of the window as they cross the river, the water glittering in the sun. For once, the bus isn’t jam-packed but a rather pleasant ride. Sometimes he recognises clients and their parents as he travels around the city, but not today.</p><p>When he steps off he instantly knows where to go. He's taken this way to Phil’s time and time again, and if he was asked he probably could do it blindfolded.</p><p>His mind wanders to Phil then. He misses him, like a pull under his skin, an ache inside his heart. Being in Phil’s company is like hearing a soft familiar melody that refuses to stop playing in his head.</p><p>Soon he sees the familiar architecture of Phil’s building. He and Charlie live on the fourth floor. They've got a nice view of the city and are just high up enough not to be disturbed by engine noises from the road below.</p><p>He takes the elevator up, looking at himself in the mirror. He's smiling, cheeks painted a mellow pink. The air is filled with a pleasant humming and he finds himself thinking back to the first time he realised he could really fall in love with Phil, that he might imagine them building a life together.. </p><p>The neon lights of the city had disappeared as they’d entered the cinema. They’d bought their tickets and then Phil had insisted that it was indeed necessary to buy both popcorn and sweets, making Dan laugh out loud, something that was always easy for Phil to do. </p><p>Phil had had his hair in a quiff, and had been wearing his blue bomber jacket to keep warm. He’d been fussing over Dan the whole way there, saying that he must be cold in just a T-shirt. Dan was fine but he’d appreciated Phil’s worrying.</p><p>Waiting for the film to start, they’d start whispering in the dark. Phil had leaned closer to Dan in his seat. "I swear I never usually watch these sort of movies by myself", he’d murmured. Dan hadn’t answered, he'd just been looking at Phil, taking in the excitement in his shining blue eyes, his lips that looked so kissable...God, how had he got so lucky?  "Dan, are you listening?" Phil had said, sniggering softly. A broad smile had formed on Dan’s features. He’d still kept eye contact as he’d whispered back a cheeky "No!".</p><p>Dan is brought out of his reverie as the elevator pings and the doors open.</p><p>When he knocks on the door it only takes a few seconds for Phil to answer. Dan was sure he'd see a smiling face but the version of Phil he's met with is pale. His eyes are dull and almost grey looking, lips gnawed and hair a mess. He's still wearing the clothes he’d had on yesterday and they look wrinkled. Dan frowns at the sight of his boyfriend. What was going on? Phil hadn't given anything away in his text message - maybe he’d had some bad news? Phil waves him inside and Dan follows. The moment the door slams close Dan turns to Phil. </p><p>"What's happened?" he asks. </p><p>Phil shakes his head but doesn't answer. Instead he heads into the kitchen. Dan follows behind, stopping in the doorway.</p><p>"Phil. Talk to me, please?"</p><p>Phil casts his eyes down, sighing before turning around to meet Dan's gaze. </p><p>"What if all of this is happening too fast?" he says hesitantly. His eyes look unsure, flickering over Dan's face. </p><p>"What’s happening too fast?" Dan asks, taking a step closer. Phil crosses his arms over his chest.</p><p>"I’ve been thinking maybe you shouldn't move in yet,” he mumbles, not looking directly at Dan anymore. "I mean, maybe we should wait for a while?" Dan doesn’t know what to say; he's completely stunned by the words that just left Phil’s mouth. As if they were bullets fired at his heart, he can feel the physical blow.</p><p>"What’s made you change your mind?" Dan asks. trying to understand what Phil’s thinking.<br/>Phil shakes his head "Maybe I'm not ready for this," he says quietly. His eyes look watery and he's biting his bottom lip. Dan feels so much pain in his chest seeing Phil look this miserable. He'd do anything to make it okay.</p><p>"I know that change can be difficult, especially when you've been through trauma, but if you're feeling anxious then we can work through it together Phil, you're not on your own in this." he says softly, a faint smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.</p><p>"Dan, just stop. I want to talk to you, not the psychiatrist," Phil says firmly. </p><p>He suddenly seems more determined, his eyes meeting Dan’s again and looking serious. Dan is a little taken aback by his statement. He's not thinking work when it comes to Phil... right? He just wants Phil to be alright, he wants them to communicate. Shit, maybe he is in work mode? Or maybe not, maybe Phil’s just feeling a bit defensive. Either way, he needs to find out what's really bothering Phil.</p><p>"Phil, you are talking to me," Dan says, his voice sounding concerned, thin and worried.</p><p>“The thing is, I just don’t know if I can give you what you want. I can’t only think about myself, there’s Charlie too and I’m the only parent he’s got left, I have to make sure I’m doing my best for him, I have to put him first and sometimes it just feels like no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to be enough,” Phil says. His tone loud, almost on the brink of yelling. Then he seems to deflate. "I don’t know, sometimes I think I’m just never going to put myself back together after what happened with Alex. Maybe…..maybe you should just be with someone else," he mumbles, looking away.</p><p>”I don’t want anyone else," Dan says weakly,his tone fragile.</p><p>"But what if I'm meant to be broken?" Phil says, looking more worried than anything.</p><p>Dan wants to lean forward and hug Phil to his chest. No one is that broken, truly beyond repair. Dan knows that because he's helped so many wonderful people come through difficult times and learn to believe in themselves. He wishes Phil could see himself how Dan sees him, to appreciate how brave he’s been, how much progress he’s made. The words are on the tip of his tongue but he's biting them back, feeling them stick in the back of his throat.</p><p>"Phil, you're not broken." </p><p>"How do you know that?" Phil says stiffly. His eyes are cold, face pulled into a grimace, "Tell me exactly how. Charlie hates me, I’m an anxious mess, nothing in my life has gone right since Alex died!" Time has suddenly slowed down, and Phil’s words are ringing loudly in his ears. </p><p>”Nothing in your life has gone right... ” Dan echoes hollowly. ”I… I can’t believe you just said that”. He’s finding it hard to breathe, and the world seems to be turning a dull grey.</p><p> </p><p>"Dan no, I didn’t-” Phil starts, suddenly looking regretful. But Dan doesn't know what to say, other than the harsh words he finds are pouring out of his mouth.</p><p>”You know what Phil, maybe you’re right,” he snaps. “If that’s how you feel then maybe we shouldn’t be together. Maybe you just aren’t ready to move on, maybe you never will be.”</p><p>With that, he turns and storms out feeling like the world is swaying unsteadily in front of him. Somehow he makes it into the elevator. As the doors close behind him, he leans his forehead against the wall. He feels like crying but somehow nothing will come out.  Frustrated, he balls his hands into fists and screws his eyes shut, trying to escape.</p><p>-</p><p>Phil doesn't communicate with him at all in the next couple of days. Dan had had to send the moving firm away when they’d arrived, had had to push down his immense anger and disappointment so as not to yell at the innocent workers. He's not going to stoop that low, he’d told himself.</p><p>Dan had barely been able to get out of bed, giving in to the feelings of misery and loneliness until he’d felt so absolutely awful  that he’d had to reach out and call someone. That, someone was his friend Mallory who’d come over to see him, bringing her little brother Chris too. Dan hadn't told her anything about what had happened, so he can't blame her for assuming it was fine for Chris to come, the way he usually did. Dan should have said something on the phone, but he’d not been thinking clearly enough to remember.</p><p>It’s not ideal, but he guesses he'll have to deal with it.. He’d got to know Mallory when they’d both been studying psychiatry. He’d actually shared a room with her, and they’d formed a firm friendship, bonding over cheesy movies and bowls full of ice cream after a hard day of studying.</p><p>Chris is about the same age as Charlie, and he’s painfully reminiscent of the other boy. Not in the way he acts, but they look so similar. Chris has also got brown hair that falls messily into his eyes, and as he looks at him, Dan's not going to lie, he can’t help thinking that he really misses Charlie. </p><p>As he, Mallory, and Chris watch an old rom-com, he can’t help thinking about the last time he’d shared a night like this with Phil and Charlie. He might be angry at Phil and the hurtful words he’s said, but he can’t help wondering how they’re coping. Was Phil upset? Would Charlie be asking questions? Did Phil have anyone he could turn to for support?</p><p>He reaches for his phone to message Phil, just to put his mind at rest. Hesitantly his fingers hover over the keyboard. But he’s still worried enough to send it. </p><p>Sent: 19:23<br/>To: Phil &lt;3<br/>Phil, do you have help taking care of Charlie? Maybe Martyn could help?</p><p>He puts his phone down, feeling distracted as he turns back to  the movie and waiting hopefully for it to buzz. He asks Chris if he wants cookies and milk just to give himself something to do. Chris nods shyly.</p><p>When he's in the kitchen Mallory calls out "Hey Dan, can I get some too?" The corners of his mouth turn up a little. "It depends, have you been a good girl this year?" </p><p>He can hear her snort all the way from the living room "The best," she yells back. </p><p>"Okay," he smiles as he sets down the cookies and the glasses of milk before the two of them on the table. He doesn't really have the energy to joke back and she seems a little surprised by that but doesn't call him out on it.</p><p>He's holding his breath as he picks up his phone, pressing the button and watching as the screen lights up. And... nothing, no messages.</p><p>Dan waits for the whole evening, but Phil doesn't answer.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dan reaches to grab a packet of rice from the shelf. He’s staring at the vibrant rows, but to him all of the shades just seem to blur together into a mass of colour without any meaning. His day has felt the same; details otherwise important have just melted into one big indistinguishable event. </p><p>Phil still hasn't responded to his text. It's been ages... Dan's been pulling through with hours of work and now it's Friday and he’s exhausted. All he wants to do is get back home and just slump back on his couch after stuffing all the groceries into his fridge and cupboards. He's disappointed at Phil’s silence, but he’d kind of expected it. He knows Phil, knows that he has a way of getting completely absorbed in his problems. Hopefully he’s at least talking to someone, still making it to his regular appointments with his therapist. </p><p>Just as Dan reaches the end of the aisle, he catches a glimpse out of the corner of his eye. That jacket, the jet-black hair. It has to be Phil. Dan turns quickly and stares as the man walks away, back turned. He makes a decision and rapidly hurries after him. </p><p>When he catches up he places a hand on the man’s shoulder.</p><p>"Phil?" he says, his voice almost a whisper. Phil turns around only to reveal that it's not him at all.</p><p>The man looks confused "What?" he asks, looking at Dan suspiciously. Disappointed and embarrassed, Dan takes a step away, pulling back his hand as if it’s been burned.</p><p>"Excuse me. I thought you were someone else,” he mumbles in apology. He walks away, rubbing a hand across his face, a sick feeling in his stomach.</p><p>"Idiot" he whispers to himself under his breath. He can't believe he was desperate enough to actually reach out like that. He needs to get a grip.</p><p>-</p><p>Phil’s been laying on top of his bed doing nothing for maybe an hour before he decides he’s had enough of it. He feels like he’s in this stagnant bubble, isolated from everything.  He forces himself to get up, to find something to do that will keep him occupied and stop him from sinking deeper into a spiral of overthinking.</p><p>Wedged at the bottom of a cupboard he finds a puzzle. Its packaging is dusty and it must’ve been years since it was last opened. It might even date back to when Alex and Phil were together,  he doesn’t remember. Curiously he dusts it off with a towel, biting his tongue as he carefully lifts the lid. As shown on the packaging, it’s a puzzle of a corgi - he can see a part of it’s eye and the golden looking fur. Phil thinks it’s Alex who bought it, that it must’ve been stowed away after he passed. Phil couldn’t cope with seeing any reminders of him, so it was packed away along with all the other mementoes and memories.</p><p>It’s the same way he packs away anything in his life which is the least bit burdensome. He pushes his feelings down, or tries to pass them off to other people, the way he’s done with Dan. He couldn’t stand the feeling of having let Charlie down, so he’d dumped all the blame on the next closest person to him. The guilt he feels for pushing all his feelings upon Dan is unfathomable. It was never Dan’s fault, he did no wrong, quite the opposite actually, he’d always been so kind and encouraging. </p><p>He can’t believe he’d been so stupid as to tell Dan that everything had been a mess since Alex died. Sure, there were some really difficult times, even after Dan had come into their lives, but the way things have been these last few months, he can’t even put into words. It was like the light came back into his life, and Dan was the sun.</p><p>But Phil’d let it all go for Charlie. He guesses it comes down to him feeling responsible for all that Charlie’s gone through, because he’s already so bruised by losing his other dad. Phil’s torn, wanting to be there for his son but knowing he’s letting go of everything he’s built up with Dan. All of their hard, beautiful work down the drain, all the risks he’d taken, all the times he’d let himself be vulnerable, something he’d vowed never to do again after losing Alex.</p><p>Dan has become such a big part of their life, like the buoyant brick in their foundation. He’s made Phil feel so in love and more alive than he’s felt in a long while. Is it really worth it to make Charlie happy at the expense of his own happiness? If Phil is left only a shell of who he was, Charlie is going to be affected by that too. These last few days apart have made Phil realise just how much he needs Dan in his life. </p><p>Phil doesn’t really believe Charlie wants Dan to go either, he just wants to be accepted at  school, and who can blame him for that? He doesn’t understand the rift it's causing within Phil. </p><p>Phil sighs, thinking about just how much of a mess he’s made. He could tell Dan all of this, try to explain, but what would it do? Make Dan angry at him? No, He’s just going to make things worse if he tries to talk to him. There's no way Dan would be willing to be a part of their life anymore, he’s been a selfish idiot and left Dan heartbroken. He’d seen the shocked, hurt expression on Dan’s face when they’d argued, there’s no way he’d want anything to do with him.</p><p>Sure, he’d reached out but only to check if Charlie was OK. Phil knew how seriously Dan took his commitment to his patients, and he obviously felt the same kind of care towards Charlie so he’d wanted to check that he was being looked after properly.</p><p>He’s staying over at Martyn and Cornelia's at the moment, and Phll’s glad that his brother was so willing to help out. Making sure Charlie was looked after had been Phil’s first thought the moment that Dan had left, so when he received his text, he couldn’t help feeling a little insulted. Still, he didn’t think he could blame Dan, seeing what a state he’d got himself into. It just went to prove yet again that he wasn’t good enough for Dan, that while Phil’s reaction was to get angry and lash out, Dan did nothing but show compassion.</p><p>He frowns, looks down at the box he’s still holding in his hand, and shoves it back into the cupboard.<br/>-</p><p>Dan lifts the shopping bags onto the island, heaving a sigh of relief and leaning back against the stove. He feels utterly drained after the trip to the supermarket. He knows it’s not the physical exertion that’s making him feel this way, but rather the way his mind won’t stop racing, going over and over all the plans he and Phil made, the future he’d imagined, his and Phil’s and Charlie’s lives entwined.</p><p>He couldn’t believe how they’d both become so important to him in such a short time. He’d never really realised something was missing in his life before he met them on that trip.</p><p>He’d been caught up with work, burning himself out as usual and had forced himself to take a holiday. Still, even on the plane his thoughts had been racing with other people’s problems and ways he could help them deal with them. But meeting the stressed and exhausted Phil and the younger Charlie had brought him back into reality, back into his own life instead of always putting his patients first. For the first time, he had something in his life that was more important than work.</p><p>He’d always kind of seen himself ending up alone, seeing as how he constantly struggled (and still does) to connect to his birth family. He’d come to accept that it just wasn't something he was capable of, being part of a happy family unit. </p><p>But meeting Phil had changed everything, and connecting with his son had made him realise, there's no one way of defining a family. He can find his own happiness, live life his own way. Just because his early experience was bad, it doesn’t mean he’ll never be able to form a family of his own, a group of people he holds very dear and who love him in return.</p><p>When he found Phil and Charlie it felt like he found that missing puzzle piece. A constant joy had bubbled in his chest from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep when he realised he’d finally found that stable comforting family environment.</p><p>And now here he is, back on his own again. He can’t help playing Phil’s words over and over in his head, when he dismissed everything that they’d shared together by saying it was nothing in comparison to what he’d had with Alex. Dan had always tried to push away the insecurities that nagged at him, that told him he was only a poor second best to the real love of Phil’s life. Now in a split-second, all his worst fears had been confirmed.</p><p>Dan’s wrapped himself up in his blanket on the couch, the only light coming from the TV illuminating his surroundings. He starts to think again about reaching out to Phil. Maybe Phil really needs his help, is waiting for him to get in touch? Or maybe that’s part of the problem, maybe he should just stop trying to rescue Phil all the time. </p><p>It’s a pattern that’s come up over and again in his life, seeking the attention and approval of everyone he loves. It's a toxic mentality he knows. It's been with him since childhood, so it's hard breaking free of it. He's sat through hours of therapy, knowing that he needed to deal with his own issues in order to be there for others, but the same old problems still come up no matter how much he works on them.</p><p>Maybe this urge he has to contact Phil is all part of the same problem. Maybe he was right, that Dan’s been treating him as a patient to be fixed, and he’s finally sick of it. It’s hard because he’s grown to care about the two of them so much but he knows in his heart that he has to wait for Phil to make the first move - if he ever does. Maybe he’ll just move on, leaving Dan drifting along day in and day out, feeling disconnected, like a piece of him that he’d only just found has been ripped away forever.</p><p>He pushes those feelings away, not ready to face them. He’d spent so much of their relationship thinking about how Phil needed him, he’d never stopped to realise just how much he needs Phil.</p><p>-</p><p>Phil reaches for a blue sweater, folding it neatly. Amongst the piles of clothing, something light pink catches his attention. He pulls it up, watching himself hold it up in the mirror standing across the room. "We'll be there for what you treasure most" is written across it, Phil recognises it's one of the T-shirts from Dan's work he must've forgotten. He stares straight ahead, vision going blurry as he zones out for a second. Dan does do much to help other people, things Phil himself could never imagine himself doing for anyone other than Charlie. And well, maybe for Dan... before he screwed that up. </p><p>Phil's spent days ignoring his therapy appointments, just letting himself sink into the waters of his own misery. It’s like he’s punishing himself for how much he’s hurt Dan by refusing to look after himself, refusing to even try and move forward.</p><p>He shakes his head quickly, folding up the shirt and tossing it on the bed beside the rest of the neatly organised clothes piles. His eyes just so happen to drift up to a framed photo reflected in the mirror. It's a selfie of Dan and Charlie playing in the sand with himself holding up the camera in the corner. His smile is fond and warm. He stares at the picture,  taking in all the details.</p><p>They all look so happy, as if life could always be that uncomplicated just by sticking together. Phil bites his lip, looking away. They look like a family.</p><p>He can feel himself start to lose control as he stands there leaning his back against the dresser. On an impulse, he reaches for his phone and starts scrolling through contacts.</p><p>The moment his mum answers he immediately blurts out ”Mum!". She'll instantly know something is wrong, she can tell when he bites back a sob. It’s one of those mum powers she always jokes to him about.</p><p>"What's wrong child?" she questions.</p><p> "I think I made a big mistake and I don’t know if I can ever fix it!” he exclaims. </p><p>"Start from the beginning," she prompts, her voice calm and comforting.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>The first thing Phil feels is absolute warmth. Beaches of soft warm sand, brown curls that smell like the ocean at bay, a someone next to him. He nuzzles closer, and they chuckle under their breath. He looks up. It's Dan, of course, it is. Who else could haunt his dreams like this? The soft cheeks that are a tiny hint pink, the slightly pointy chin. The brown eyes that are so deep that Phil'd be surprised if every answer to all of the questions of the universe didn't rest there. Dan's eyes have a way of haunting him, that Phil wouldn't normally mind. Usually, his eyes are calm and warm. Like he's predicting a bright future. Like Phil is a cup of coffee to start off his mornings, a sweet to keep him up during the day and a dinner for two in the evenings. </p><p>More often than not, Dan's eyes are a warm hand at his cheek but now they look nothing alike. They're firm and cold and very still. Boring into Phil's soul like a lethal arrow. Dan's skin is pale, lips a little purple. </p><p>Something's very wrong. Dan parts his lips rasping out ”nothing in your life has ever been good since..." and his voice echoes in Phil's ears. Phil wants to look away but his eyes are fixed on Dan's cold eyes. </p><p>"Can't believe you said that," Dan continues. ”You know what Phil, maybe you’re right, maybe we shouldn’t be together maybe you aren’t ready” Phil wants to scream but he can't move. Dan clasps onto his arm.</p><p>Phil springs up in his bed, heaving breaths in a panic. He looks around himself. The side of his bed is empty. He leans his head against his knees trying to relax his breathing. To see Dan like this in his dreams somehow tells him more than ever that he needs to get himself together. He’s created this barrier of guilt in his own mind. He just needs to have the courage to get over it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Phil's been pacing back and forth in the kitchen all morning. He's got a half-empty cup of coffee in one hand that he's tapping his fingers against, trying to release some of the tension he’s feeling. After talking to his mum yesterday, who had a lot to say, he's feeling pretty stupid but a lot less of a mess. </p><p>He can see now that Charlie’s reaction to the bullies had put him in a tailspin, and he’d just not been thinking straight. He can’t let the love of his life slip through his fingers just because of some cruel kids at Charlie’s school. He needs to find a way to help Charlie understand that you're allowed to be different without being made to feel wrong. He doesn't know if he'll be able to make the bullying stop but he's going to try. </p><p>Now he’s got things clear in his own mind, the next step is to try and explain it all to Dan, to see if there’s any way he might consider giving Phil another chance.</p><p>He glances over at his phone laying on the kitchen island. He's been trying to figure out what he could say all morning. In the end, he decides to just write;</p><p>Sent: 10:23<br/>From: Phil<br/>"Coming over, we need to talk".</p><p>-</p><p>Phil stands outside Dan's house for a long while before actually ringing the doorbell. At first he just sits down on his doorstep, among the nice flowerpots Dan’s decorated with. He’s watching people walk past on the pavement across the street, thinking to himself about what kind of life they have, what kinds of problems bother them. </p><p>His mum had reassured him that people make mistakes, that all he needs to do is explain and communicate with Dan. She told him about a time when she and his dad had fought over a misunderstanding, when instead of talking they just assumed things. It hadn’t been easy to get back on track, but they’d got there in the end and she assured Phil that he and Dan could do the same.</p><p>Phil had felt a bit better hearing his mum’s story, but on the other hand, it wasn’t quite the same thing. The lies he’d told Dan were so much bigger and more damaging, and he’s not sure how they can get past the hurt he’s caused them both with his careless words..  </p><p>He swallows before standing up and ringing the doorbell. It takes a moment or two before Dan opens the door. He stands still, watching Phil, looking uncertain.</p><p>"Phil?" he says, cautiously.</p><p>Phil is just looking at Dan, feeling like he should do something, anything. Instead, he just stands there and dumbly whispers back </p><p>"Dan…"</p><p>Dan's eyes flicker up to meet his. The pained look in his eyes breaks Phil's heart. Dan casts his eyes down again before stepping aside. </p><p>"Come in...".</p><p>Before Dan has a chance to fully close the door Phil blurts out "Dan I just-" but Dan cuts him off before he has an opportunity to finish the sentence.</p><p>"Phil, it was really shitty of you not to answer my message". Dan shuts the door and looks up at him. Although he sounds cross, the frown on his features looks more hurt than anything else. His curly hair is a little messy and he’s tugging at his earring subconsciously.</p><p>"I know" Phil mumbles. He shoves his hands in his pockets. "I want to apologise to you for taking things out on you when you'd done nothing wrong. It was unfair of me to say to you that nothing in my life has been good since Alex passed because it isn’t true.Things have been difficult but being with you has made everything in my life so much better. Because Dan, you stepped into my life and made the sun shine into every nook and cranny because that’s just who you are. You make everyone around you smile. You really changed my life for the better and it wouldn’t be the same without you in it.” he declares, words tumbling out of his mouth.</p><p>"Phil, you really hurt me," Dan says, voice firm yet somehow containing so much emotion. His eyes flicker around Phil’s face. “I don’t want to be a second best”</p><p>“You’re not!” Phil reassures, panic flashing in his eyes. He doesn’t want Dan to believe he’s that about himself. Phil doesn’t compare Alex to Dan. They’re so different and it would be unfair. He really loves Dan, with all of his soul.</p><p>"I truly am sorry. All I can say is that I love you so much and instead of talking to you I wrapped myself up into a cocoon so as to not have to feel, not have to deal with what was happening. And I know that it's a useless coping mechanism." He says and his eyes meet Dan's.  </p><p>“What exactly has been happening that you haven't talked to me about?” Dan says, taking a step closer. </p><p>“Charlie… is being bullied at his school. He told me the kids were picking on him because they’d heard about us. The fact that I’m not in a straight relationship. And I just thought that if I-”</p><p>“...Broke it off, everything would be better,” Dan finishes. Phil nods. The expression on Dan’s face after that statement is what can only be described as heartbroken. He looks down then, jutting out his bottom lip, forehead wrinkled.</p><p>“Phil I appreciate you being honest with me and I want you to understand that those kids probably won’t stop teasing him if we stop dating. You can’t live your life based on what a couple of kids think of you” Dan says, his tone has grown softer and he sounds a lot less cross.</p><p>“But they’re bullying my kid,” Phil says, his voice is wobbly and emotional, eyes a little shiny. “And you should have seen how Charlie looked when he told me about it Dan, it was like…..I was scared I was going to lose him again. That he was drifting away from me, like before.”</p><p>“I know that must have been scary Phil, but it still doesn’t mean that you have to try and fit your life to what other people expect. We can try to talk to the school, inform Charlie's  psychiatrist that he’s being bullied. We’ll do all that we can, I promise. I love Charlie too Phil, don’t forget that.” Dan says. </p><p>When Dan says ‘we’ something in Phil's chest unexpectedly hurts, but in a good way. He realises how much he’s missed hearing Dan say that.</p><p>“I haven’t forgotten” Phil mumbles. He knows Dan loves Charlie, he’s shown in a million different ways these last few months. It’s so obvious that thinking about it now, Phil can’t believe he’d thought he couldn't tell him the truth about what had happened with Charlie. He thinks back to that conversation he’d had with his mum, and he realises how much he still needs to work on trusting other people more, on trusting Dan more.</p><p>"Phil, you need to tell me when things like this happen.” Dan’s voice is serious, arms crossed over his chest. The relief and joy Phil feels when he hears Dan talking about their future is unfathomable. It sparks optimism in Phil, that maybe their relationship isn’t a lost cause, like he’d feared. He’d hoped against hope that Dan might consider letting him back into his life and now it seems like it might actually happen.</p><p>"I will, I'm really going to try to make the effort to, I promise," Phil says honestly. A glimpse of hope shines in Dan's eyes at the words.</p><p>"Good" he replies. "I want you to let me in, I can handle the ugly side too, I want to be a part of your life Phil, I need you to let me be there. We can handle this together, like you said to me when I was about to move in - remember?" he says.</p><p> "Yeah..." Phil smiles carefully. His chest goes a little warm thinking about it. Dan seems to relax then, shoulder going down a little and he uncrosses his arms. Phil relaxes a little as well, his thoughts starting to slow from the chaotic whirl they’d been in since the argument.</p><p>“I also want to apologize to you Phil. I didn’t realise ‘d made you feel like one of my patients, like just one more person for me to try and fix. It’s so familiar to me, I just don’t realise I’m doing it. I want you to tell me to stop if you notice me doing it, could you do that?”</p><p>“I promise,” Phil says. As they stand there looking into each other’s eyes, Phil’s thinking about how he’s been longing for the safety and love he always sees in Dan’s gaze. He’s missed that look so much, how Dan can see right into his soul and know what he’s feeling without needing to say a word. </p><p>"Come here," Dan says then, holding out his arms. Phil is surprised Dan lets him hug him but he welcomes it. He sinks into Dan’s arms, as if he was a warm bath, a cup of hot cocoa, a warm bed on a cold night. Dan smells subtly of his familiar cologne. “I’m going to be honest with you,” he says, breath warm against Phil’s neck, “And say that for a long time in my life I thought I’d be alone. I just assumed that family life wasn’t for me. You and Charlie somehow became the missing puzzle pieces I never knew I needed. And I’m so glad to have you back”.</p><p>-</p><p>When the doorbell rings Phil goes to open it. In the doorway stand Martyn and Charlie. Phil smiles at them as they step in. Cornelia is there too, sticking her head in to wave to them. Charlie notices Dan calling his name excitedly and running up to him for a hug. Dan feels a little overwhelmed as he pulls the boy close.</p><p>"Hey little buddy" he mumbles. He's missed Charlie a lot and having him here in his arms makes him a little emotional.</p><p>"Did you have fun at uncle Martyn’s?" Phil asks as Charlie lets go, looking over at Phil.</p><p>"Awesome, I watched Spider-Man!" he says, running round their legs pretending to shoot webs from his fingertips.</p><p>"Oh wow," Dan says looking over at Phil, eyebrows raised. Phil does not look happy.</p><p>“I'm going to have a word with Martyn after this..." Phil says looking over meaningfully at his brother.</p><p>"Aaaand it looks like it's time for me to go," he says playfully, pointing back at the door with his thumb. Dan smiles at that.</p><p>"Well I think it actually is time for us to go Mar, don't want to miss our reservation." Cornelia smiles from the doorframe where she's leaned. Her hair is as red and curly as ever, and she's wearing blue jeans and a black cardigan. </p><p>Martyn looks over at her fondly, "Yeah, you're right." He looks back at Dan and Phil. "We'll be heading off now you guys, have a good night" He points at them clicking his tongue before stepping out and closing the door behind him. As soon as they're gone Phil turns to his son.</p><p>"Charlie, we want to talk to you, both of us," He says, his tone a little more serious than before. Dan nods in agreement. </p><p>"I hear there are some mean kids at your school," Dan says. Charlie nods, suddenly going very quiet. He looks down at the floor. </p><p>"Did they tell you our family was weird?" Dan continues, his tone mellow and guiding. Hearing Phil tell him about it prior to this was heartbreaking. He can understand why it made Phil doubt whether their relationship was right.</p><p>Charlie nods. He looks up into Dan's eyes, eyebrows furrowed. The expression is so unfamiliar compared to Charlie’s otherwise cheeky grin it makes Dan hope for Charlie to understand what he needs to tell him even more.</p><p>"And it’s because we're different, not like other families?"</p><p>"Uh-huh," Charlie nods his head rapidly, toying with the plushie in his hands.</p><p>"But Charlie, don't you love our family?" Phil asks sitting down next to Dan and Charlie on the floor.</p><p>"Yeah," Charlie looks up, his eyes teary, a sob escaping from his mouth.</p><p>"Oh dear, don't cry," Dan says as Charlie buries his head into Dan's chest. The fond surprise he feels when Charlie seeks comfort from him is indescribable. He feels loved in a way he can only presume a parent would. Phil comes up behind them, leaning his head on Dan's shoulder.</p><p>"Charlie, it's okay to be different. If they can't accept that then their opinions aren't worth listening to," Dan says into Charlie's hair, leaning his chin lightly on the child's head.</p><p>"Charlie, we love you so much, we'll do everything we can to help you," Phil says very softly. He looks concerned yet his eyes are filled with so much affection.</p><p>"Because we love each other, and we love you," Dan says feeling Phil grip his hand. </p><p>"And what do you do when you love someone?" Phil asks Charlie. The little boy looks at him from where he is tightly snuggled against Dan's shirt.</p><p>"You're kind," he says slowly. A bright smile lights up Phil's face. </p><p>"Yes, you're kind and you take care of one another" Phil says hugging them both from behind Dan.</p><p>"Like a family?" Charlie asks then. And Dan's heart skips a beat.</p><p>"Like a family, " Phil confirms.</p><p>-<br/>Phil is sitting at the dining table looking over at Dan who’s sliding the cinnamon rolls into the oven. Dan dusts off his fingers which are a little floury, and Phil watches him as he carefully washes his hands in the sink. He’s almost silhouetted against the window behind him where the sky is a burnt orange.</p><p>When he’s done Dan comes over sitting down opposite Phil. He gives Phil a look, a little cheeky grin that somehow resembles Charlie’s. It gets Phil thinking of Alex. But instead of feeling down his heart goes a little soft. Alex would want Phil to be happy. He needs to let Dan in, so that they stay a family. And maybe a first step in doing so is letting Dan be Charlie's extra dad, telling him that that is something Phil is okay with.</p><p>“Dan I just wanted to say this, because I feel like I’ve kept most of this to myself. I’m okay with you calling yourself Charlie's dad, because it makes us sound like what we are -  a family.”  Dan looks a tiny bit embarrassed, his eyes widening a little cheeks tinted red. But he looks pleased, the corner of his mouth pulling up in a smirk.</p><p>“I’ve always liked to imagine myself being Charlie's dad, being a family with you two. I've just had a really hard time asking you, in case you took it badly, I don't want to replace Alex, I want you to know that. I just want to be a part of what you have, to be able to call us a family. To call myself dad would make it complete.</p><p>“Dan, I'm fine with it, but maybe the person you really need to ask about it is Charlie.” He turns to look over his shoulder at Charlie who's playing on the floor, minding his own business.</p><p>Dan walks over to where Charlie sits. He sits down too, taking a piece of Lego.</p><p>"This is my car," he says, dragging the yellow brick across the floor. Charlie looks up before grinning mischievously.</p><p>"That's too bad because I'm Godzilla!" He crushes Dan's car by smashing his dinosaur plushie into Dan's Lego piece. </p><p>"Oh no, my car!" Dan exclaims. Charlie just giggles mercilessly. Dan smiles, feeling his chest warming up. God, he's really missed this kid.</p><p>"Charlie, I’d like to ask what you think about something" Charlie looks up curiously, and tilts his head to one side. "I wondered, how would you feel about maybe calling me Dad?” </p><p>Charlie thinks for a few moments, then carries on playing with the plushie.</p><p>"Are we still having nuggets tonight?” he says idly, not looking at Dan.</p><p>"Well yeah...?" Dan replies slowly,a little taken aback by the change of subject. Did Charlie just ignore his question? He sits in his own thoughts for a few moments, waiting, before Charlie replies.</p><p>"Then you're okay, Dad".</p>
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